11 months ago on 8 July 2011 @ 4:54am + 35 notes
via tansanalopez (originally puckpuckpuck)

@Puck.

tansanalopez:

Santana felt the burning of suppressed cries tickling her throat and the stinging at the back of her eyes that threatened to spill tears. Clenching her jaw against it all she determinedly stared at him, willing herself not to cry. Santana didn’t cry. Not unless there was something in it for her, not unless she could give herself an advantage to get something. She clasped her fingers together nervously, already feeling herself pull away from him; suddenly feeling dirty and feral or wrong under his stare. 

The answer was already on her lips, twisting like poison in its own truth and honesty. “No sé,” she mumbled under her breath, her brown eyes looking at him glassily. “To feel something?” she said finally, her brows raised somewhat since the both of them wouldn’t even be in the position they currently were if they weren’t both so desperately in need of using each others bodies like a drug. Like addicts coming back for more, for another high in order to just feel for at least a few hours. 

Santana honestly couldn’t remember how long she’d been doing it, in some respects it felt like she’d been abusing herself and her body for years, for as long as she could remember. Starving it, working it to the bone to be leaner, tauter and more desirable, abusing sex and deadening her insides with booze and vicious words shot at other people. “To feel anything besides a toy or second-best,” she said tragically, rolling her eyes at herself. Maybe it’d been a mistake. And maybe lashing out again wasn’t the smartest choice and sure, maybe he did really care for her. Kind of like Brittany. Enough, but not as much as someone else. Quinn … Artie. And then there was Santana; just a fucking joke. A lay. Someone to fuck, fuck with or fuck over but never someone to love or make love with. 

Pushing off him suddenly, finally cutting the magnetic tie that had pulled their gazes together, Santana moved to find the rest of her discarded clothes and picked up a silk robe nearby to cover herself with, hugging herself in the process, comforting herself by herself as usual.

Puck stared at the space where she was sitting before she moved in a haze. He didn’t know where this new information came from, why she was only deciding to tell him now, why she would even do such a thing to herself. A second choice? Who would put Santana second? She got a lot of attention at school, it was almost a mystery as to why she was still single. That and, she used her mean yet sexy charm to get anything she wanted. That’s why she was pretty much second in command to Quinn. Puck’s mouth fell open just a little when he realized. Second in command to Quinn. People picking Quinn over her, would be one of the reasons.

He stood up, marching over to Santana and enveloped her in what he liked to call a bear hug. The same type of hug he gave Schuester before they performed at nationals. The only difference this time was, he wasn’t smiling. His lips were drawn out in a straight line with no emotion on his face. If he could see himself, he would notice just how pale his face was. All of the color had drained from his face like it was suctioned out, even his eyes were dark and hollow. Someone who he was so close to in his life had purposefully hurt themselves, practically under his nose.

He held her there, one arm wrapped around her back while the other one came up and held her head in place, forcing her against him. Whether if she returned the hug or not, he didn’t care. He wanted to comfort her and let her know that he was her, and he would punch the next person who put her second to anybody. He would make sure she stopped hurting herself, that she stopped abusing herself in any shape or form. Until she was happy, he would put her first. It was partially his fault, especially what happened before between himself, Quinn and her. That wouldn’t have solved anything. He owed her this much, at least. He would put the blame on him for quite a while, if not, forever. “Not anymore, okay? Not anymore. I’m here.” he choked out against the side of her cheek.

Source:puckpuckpuck